Sunday, February 10, 2013

Dwelling on the Negative

Over the past year I have truly tried to transform my life.   I want to be happy and lead a positive life with positive energy.   I feel like I do a pretty good job of this most of the time but I still find myself living in a hole of self pity from time to time.  

Never is it about material things.   I don't find myself jealous of what others have that I don't.   We drive older cars that are paid for.   We live in a smaller older home that we can afford comfortably.   We own one cell phone!   Because of these sacrifices  (that don't really feel like sacrifices) we are able to save money, put our girls in extra curricular activities and have a little fun once and a while.   This makes me proud. 

What doesn't make me proud is that I am still able to to become unhappy with life sometimes.    Usually it is my own doing when I over analyze life and where life is going.   Am I happy?  Is this what I always wanted?   Should be try harder to find exactly what makes me happy in life?   They say those that don't put everything they have out there and take risks will never truly find happiness.   I think it's safe to say that I do play things safe.   I don't like to make a lot of noise.   The older I get, the more I want to keep the peace and really watch the words I use so I can get my point across more clearly. 

Relationships are hard.   I'm not just speaking of intimate relationships (lets be real, those are the hardest!) but friendly relationships as well.   I think if anything, relationships are what make me the most unhappy.   My mom has always said to me that she is jealous of how I handle relationships.   I am able to really figure someone out early on and I can easily decide if I want them part of my life or not.    I don't become easily attached.  I don't like everyone.   No one should.

Does this make me judgmental? 

I don't think so.  

I just know what I want out of my people.   I know what I expect of myself as a friend and I simply expect the same back.    If I can tell that person isn't similar in their beliefs, I usually don't stick around.   I think it's the Capricorn in me. 

I have morals too!  I believe strongly in treating people how you want to be treated.   I haven't been perfect with this.   Sometimes the little high school girl in me makes an appearance but it usually leaves me feeling unhappy and sick with myself and then I need to make things right.  The problem with this is that sometimes things are said that you can't take back.   I can only hope that through my actions, they can see that I am not that person that said those words and know that I realize I shouldn't always open my mouth.   We all make mistakes.  

I guess my question is this:

How do you find complete happiness in all relationships in your life when you have little control over the outcome of them?

I try my hardest to surround myself with people that have a heart.   I think that is the most important thing to me.   I don't want my friendships to be negative.   I want them to be supportive and loving.   Don't get me wrong either.   I do have several friends that are absolutely amazing.  One thing about having some shitty friends is that it makes you appreciate the amazing friends you do have.  


Completely off topic but I think I have a problem.   I was cleaning the pantry today before I went grocery shopping (Which ended up costing me $300.00!! WTF!?) and I found all of these.  

 have got to stop buying different kinds of tea!


  1. Keep doing what you're doing, Sarah. Cuz I think you're pretty awesome. :) I wish I had some great advice for you. I have trouble making friends myself, and I really long for some amazing friends, but right now, it's really just me and my husband.

    I think the key (a key?) is to hold people to a high standard and definitely surround yourself with positive, like-minded friends, but also try to remember that no one is perfect.

  2. i don't think you're being judgemental. at least for me, it's been harder to make friends as i've gotten older, we all have different priorities and so much going on. but i think you're right to expect someone to be the kind of friend you are in return!

  3. Ugh, there are so many different types of toxic relationships out there, you HAVE to be on your guard all the time. In the end, by making sure you only have healthy relationships, your just setting a good example for your girls. I think you standards sound completely reasonable.

  4. I love you and think you are a great friend! I just wish we got to hang out more!

  5. You are right, everyone makes mistakes and life is an adventure we learn along the way! I play things safe alot of times too, but I hope you figure out those relationships that are worth keeping and those it's better to just leave.

  6. I don't have a huge circle of friends for all of the reason you have also listed. Just tonight a friend and I had a good discussion about unresolved health issues members in our families are facing and how tough it is to get answers and move on. In the end, we didn't solve anything but I left feeling better, a whole bunch better because I did not feel alone. And I realized that despite my small circle of friends, I did have good support. What more can a girl ask for?

  7. I think relationships of all kinds become more difficult as we all get older. It's hard to juggle family, friends, work, and other responsibilities and have time to stay in touch. With that said, I think you're like me and you make time for who/what is important so it's not asking too much for other friends to do the same.

  8. I know I'm super behind here but I am a firm believer in "life's too short". Obviously we all have to do stupid shit like work and clean and other lame stuff that's not fun, so on my free time, I want to enjoy it. I used to force friendships with people I didn't click with, or force myself to go do social events even if they didn't sound fun to me. Now even if my BFFs invite me to a pub crawl I'm usually like "eh call me when you want me to come over in my pjs and drink wine". Not exactly what you posted about but it's what it made me think of! I do struggle with jealousy but I try really hard to focus on the positive in my own life!